Some elements of my story may be useful to you. I share here only to help and definitely not to embarrass or hurt anyone. Since my mother’s transition in 2004, I have been much freer with some of my story, as she was unaware of the hurt I experienced as a child and it was my desire and decision as a young adult to keep her protected from the truth. She would’ve been devastated to know that a trusted and loved family member was able to hurt her child the way that I was. She would have blamed herself and even if someone can convince me that she deserved any of the blame for these incidents, I would’ve been crushed to have her experience that level of pain. So I guess I was also protecting myself.
In any event, she’s now gone and her spirit intuitively knows and understands that this huge and painful event has worked out for the best as all of life always does. Everything does work together for good. She knows that I’m no longer in any kind of pain, though I will always have to manage the psychological/emotional fallout of being a survivor of abuse.
But this is not a bad thing; having to manage the repercussions keeps me vigilant about my state of mind and heart. On a daily basis, I do what I must do to remain anchored in love and goodness. Without this experience I don’t know whether I would’ve been as disciplined about my spiritual life. As a result I experience joy and peace on a regular basis. Empathy towards others, especially survivors of abuse is easy for me. So you see, from a spiritual perspective my Mother must now be clear about the whole picture, not just the pain part that took place 45 years ago.
From a spiritual perspective, the full picture is always so much more comforting. I know that many would not agree with me but I do thank God that in her physical form she didn’t have to deal with hearing and dealing with this information.
This is how the story goes: As a child I was repeatedly molested by an uncle, then by a variety of people. Later there was date rape and a few episodes of being violently harassed, with one early and significant relationship becoming physically abusive. Relationship betrayal became a pattern in my adult life.
Unfortunately the nature of this type of abuse is such that one thing does tend to lead to another. The emotional fall-out spills over into every area of life and the survival instinct kicks in to make life work somehow. It’s that “somehow” part that leads to all sorts of difficulties, sensitivities and existential pain. As a result, childhood sexual abuse is one of the most damaging experiences a child can have.
The event essentially puts innocence away and introduces guilt, shame and even self-hatred into a young child’s psyche. Survivors of abuse grow up to be (very often) troubled teenagers and troubled adults. Intimacy (not just sexual) becomes a thorny issue. Relationships suffer. For me it was all of that. Though I dismissed the events…literally forgot about them between the ages of 13 and 18, the damage was very present. The darkness of abuse manifested itself in my life in a variety of ways. I was overly sensitive, eager to please but hostile if not received in exactly the “right” manner. I tended to have meaningful relationships but many young people suffering the pangs of abuse resort to promiscuity and even prostitution. So I was “lucky.” I’ve put this experience in perspective but it took a long time to get past the shame and guilt associated with the violation of my innocence.
I have forgiven the almost unforgivable. My heart is filled with love and support for people who are in pain and frozen with fear. The pain and the fear find their roots in un-forgiveness. Letting “it” go will reduce, if not eliminate, the pain and the fear. You have to want it to though…badly enough to go through the rough spots of feeling the pain, perhaps confronting an abuser (not always useful or necessary) and sharing with others who can help.
The fact is if one of us can get past this pain and violation, every one of us can. What I can do, you can do at an even higher and deeper level. So be encouraged and KNOW that there is light at the end of every tunnel.
Wishing you peace, love and light,